Building strong relationships helps us learn who we are and who we want to be

There is no ready-made recipe for building a strong relationship. Specific contexts create the need for certain choices of action that contribute to forming better relationships. Choosing the right course of action may require great deal of effort and learning.

Some relationships may develop smoothly on their own without much effort. People may work or live well together and not need much discussion about the relationship itself. Other relationships may require more reflection to help figure out what to do to make things better. Often, when things do not go well, the necessary reflection is postponed or not given importance. The reaction to this situation is often, “This is not working; I will find another relationship.” Or “this is not working too well, but it is good enough”.

I believe that sometimes trying to understand what is going on helps us figure out the best path forward and take action on it to improve things. Productive dialogue that attempts to use words to map out the whole situation can help people think about themselves and others and ensure the continuous growth of the parties involved. I am offering here my strategies for reflecting on myself through strengthening my relationships.

To get there, I start by mapping the kinds of relationships I enter, and why I enter them. Knowing them allows me to understand what to expect and determine the amount of reflection required.

There can be “trade relationships.” I can have a momentary relationship with a baker. Both of us want a trade: I want his bread, and he wants my money. This is a very easy and straightforward relationship because it is based on an immediate need. All I care about is the quality of the bread and my experience buying it. All the baker cares about is my ability to pay. There is not much to reflect on here: we do the trade, and life goes on.

There can also be longer-term relationships, such as common-goal relationships. These relationships occur when the parties involved share common goals, such as a given initiative to be realized. These are often related to employer–employee or client–service provider partnerships for a work to be done, or a family gathering initiative. Here, more diligence is required to make things work. I may have different opinions about our common goals and how to achieve them. I will need to adjust, understand, compromise, and negotiate with the parties involved for mutual gain. Therefore, more reflection is needed, and the relationship will require better thinking and communication between my side and the parties involved.

There are also relationships that I call character relationships. Here, things get more complicated because I build these relationships based on how the other person makes me feel—how the other person contributes to my spiritual well-being when we spend time together. Without careful introspection, the only questions I would be able to answer about such a relationship are: “Do I like this person or not? Do I want to share these moments with her or not?”

In these cases, things can become even more complicated - Love could be involved. In love relationships, the issue is about the whole sum. When I love someone, I want that person to be part of my life. I have a strong desire to share my life with her. When I love someone, I truly want that person around. I miss her, I grieve when she dies, and I am happy and hug her when she appears after a long time without seeing her. I love her because I value her immensely and want her close to me.

So, in order to start reflecting on a character relationship, the first thing I need to understand is what is it to like or love another person, and what answer comes automatically when I am asked: “Do I like or love this person?”

In character friendship or love relationships, the issue is not about specific things partners do; it is about the people themselves—it is about their character.

Character is manifested in the way people behave: their style, how they react, what they do, what they say, and how they say it—all evaluated at once. Character is a sum, a whole package. It is very difficult to put into words what makes a character attractive to me because the issue becomes far more introspective and abstract. I need to truly understand what I feel about the other person and why I feel that way. I can then judge the held value premises I have, and whether they are right for me. By knowing the answers, I can understand more about myself and what I really ought to look for in these kinds of relationships.

The continuous manifestation of character may cause good feelings toward the other person to strengthen or fade. When someone asks me, “Do I like this person or not?”, I have an instant emotional response that gives me an immediate answer. There is an intensity to the feeling. The answer may be “not much,” “a lot,” or simply, “No, I don’t.” The feeling comes, and I cannot deny it. Judgments of character are often made without full introspection. In those cases, contentment or discontentment may not manifest in me through words but in gestures.

Thus, strategies to strengthen character relationships become more introspective: “What made me like this person? What made me love this person? What is this person doing that is making my love for her diminish or causing me to start disliking her? What is this person doing that is making my love for her grow?”

Relationship contexts vary, but if I think carefully about them, I believe there is one aspect that all these kinds of relationships share: they exist because of what I choose to value and what I choose to do to keep or pursue those values. In other words, relationships revolve around what I really want, what I do to get it, and how my relationships help getting there.

I may want bread. I may want to work and get paid. I may want to realize a business vision. I may want to experience the company of a friend. I may want my loved one sharing her life with me. Relationships are simply the means through which I obtain these things.

By reflecting on my character relationships, I may discover things about myself and the other party. I look back and introspect on my emotions to understand what I felt with other parties and what made me feel that way. Emotions from relationships constitute of clues about who I really am and who the other party really is. Once I understand this, I can make a clearer and more honest self-evaluation and evaluation of the other party - whether my partner and I truly want what is good for us and whether the relationship is giving us what we want from it.

Often, I may find that the feelings I am nurturing come from value premises I hold that are not truly good for me. I may realize that I need to work on revisiting my beliefs if I want to live well. But this is a fully personal decision, and sometimes painful. I cannot demand this from my relationships. They need to really want it, and I have no control about that.

If I were to summarize the strategies I use to think about my relationships and myself in the process, I would put them simply as questions that would help think about ourselves and what we ought to do if we want to try to changes things for better:

• What is my partner often making me feel and why?

• How do these answers help me understand what I really want and what I expect from the other party?

• How is the relationship helping me with what I really want?

• What are the three things I ought to keep doing that contribute to the relationship, and why? (Give examples.)

• What help do I need from the other party in order to continue doing what I ought to keep doing?

• What are the three things I ought to stop doing because they undermine our relationship, and why? (Give examples.)

• What are the three things I want to start doing, and why? (Explain how these new actions will bring what we both want and what my plan is to do more of them.)

• What help do I need from the other party do the things I will start doing?

• Does the other party’s answers to these questions, my answers, and our actions so far make it worth continuing to invest in this relationship?

One will notice that it is not always pleasant to think honestly about these questions. There are limitations of knowledge about ourselves and confusions that make it natural to evade or avoid facing them. Also, character based relationships cannot be based on checklist of behaviors, or cannot be reduced to answering a questionnaire.

But I believe that a level of honesty and effort in these matters helps one move through life and relationships with growing clarity. Honest reflection can cause one to take action for real personal growth where greater levels of satisfaction can be possible to be achieved.